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March 20 2011


the aftermath.

Its eating me alive, i feel like ive been ripped away.
I hate not being apart of that church, as much as i hate it most of the time.
I hate seeing Honor and Travis go off to youth events and parties, when im being left at home.
I feel ignored, and iceolated, and just slightly dead.
But i did what i had to do...
It broke my heart to be honest.
I dont feel like things will ever be resolved to the point where i can go back.

Its all i want is to be apart of them again.
But i know i cant.

Its REALLY starting to get to me now.
I just sit and stare at the floor knowing trav honor and kendrick are all with them. And im not there. Im at home. Because i cant be there anymore.

I dont know where i stand with Travis right now.

I know i still love him. Alot. But i guess not enough to be with him. Im scared to not be accepted again, he made me feel like such a horrible person EVERYtime i did anything :| i dont want failur anymore. I dont want relationships anymore. I just dont, they dont work for me.

February 23 2011



its justin going to the beach with honor and coleen and taking pictures and putting them on myspace saying dont you wish you were there, while i sat in my bed all day and cried my heart to death; all over again.

this is why it ends here.
this is why im leaving.

because its a NEVER ENDING circle of hurt.
its a NEVER ENDING circle of icolation.
its a NEVER ENDING circle of back stabbing.

i cant burn bridges with this on going hurt with you standing in the dead middle of all of them. this is for me. i cant go on like this anymore. i cant.

im freeing myself of this.

February 20 2011



this one to, by bruno mars.
we'd get along, him and i.



<!-- END OF RINGTONE 1 -->"Runaway Baby"

<!-- start of lyrics -->Ahh yes

Well looky here looky here
Ah what do we have?
Another pretty thang ready for me to grab
But little does she know
That I'm a wolf in sheeps clothing
'Cause at the end of the night
It is her I'll be holding

I love you so
That's what you'll say
You'll tell me
Baby baby please don't go away
But when I play, I never stay

To every girl that I meet here this is what I say:
Run run run away, run away baby
Before I put my spell on you
You better get get get away get away darling
'Cause everything you heard is true
Your poor little heart will end up alone
'Cause lord knows I'm a rolling stone
So you better run run run away run away baby

Well let me think let me think
Ah what should I do?
So many eager young bunny's
That I'd like to pursue
Now even now they eating out the palm of my hand
There's only one carrot and they all gotta share it

I love you so
That's what you'll say
You'll tell me
Baby baby please don't go away
But when I play, I never stay
To every girl that I meet here this is what I say:

Run run run away, run away baby
Before I put my spell on you
You better get get get away get away darling
'Cause everything you heard is true
Your poor little heart will end up alone
'Cause lord knows I'm a rolling stone
So you better run run run away run away baby

See I ain't try to hurt you baby
No no, no I just wanna work you baby
Yup yup
See I ain't try to hurt you baby
No no, no I just wanna work you baby
If you scared you better run (You better run)
You better run (You better run)
You better run (You better run)
You better you better you better

Run run run away, run away baby
Before I put my spell on you
You better get get get away get away darling
'Cause everything you heard is true
Your poor little heart will end up alone
'Cause lord knows I'm a rolling stone
So you better run run run away run away baby! <!-- end of lyrics -->


heavy in your arms - florence and the machine.

"Heavy In Your Arms"

<!-- start of lyrics -->
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms
(i'm so) Heavy heavy i'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms.

Heavy, i'm so heavy in your arms. <!-- end of lyrics -->

It was written about me, im sure of it.
I have changed. Not guna lie.
But ive always been the same horrible person.
So dont act suprised.

Im doing my best to stay happy and not held and let down...if its not working, theres a problem. And when the problems something that a matter of personality, its not going to change.

If its one thing i learned, actually its two:

(1) never be with someone who doesnt accept you just the way you are.

(2)everyone loves me at first. im the greatest thing to ever happen to them, BECAUSE IM SO DIFFERNT AND THEY LOVE THAT I AM THE WAY I AM. THEY LOVE THAT IM DIFFERNT.
give it some time, and the love turns to iggnorance. and the iggnorance turns to change. and the change turns to let down. and the let down turns to fail.

it will always fail.

Because everyone accepts me at first, but it fades.
So im out of luck.

I rather be EXACTLY who i am, then live a lie in a relationship.


February 03 2011


I didnt do this! I didnt do ANYTHING WRONG! Its you and everyone in your world because they cant let me exsist in yours without feeling like utter TRASH.

YOUR MY BEST FRIEND i wanted a break from the relationship, NOT YOU.

Your trying to spite me, i dont care what you say. All your talking about is the past. You know if you dont want to talk to me, then i dont want to see you. Thats the way it is. I HAD to get away okay i was breaking.
I dont even want to cry because i will not allow someone to have this kind of power of me. Never again. Yeah Justin Beiber, i said NEVER.

I love you so much, but if you want to be like this then so can i. I will not miss you. I will not speak to you. I will not think about you. I wont do it. I dont care how bad i miss you, i simply wont.

The only person who can have power over me is God.

I just hate this stupid place and all these stupid people and this STUPID job.

When i move out this shits gone and done with.
FUCK relationships and you know, im born to be a slut. No commitment. No mind games. No hurt.

Jordan taught me well.

January 24 2011


heartbreaker - pink

I got in a HUGE fiht with Trav last night.
It topped them all, and i told him if he was so misrable to just leave.
I dont want him to but this couldnt go on. This jake stuff. Hes pissed bc i wont go to that church anymore, but i might go with jake for a little.

I see his side, but he needs to let it go. Jake wants to be friends with trav just so we can hang out without everyone condemning us to hell for being friends.
Jake is worth the fight. Any of my friends are. I cant be told i cant befriend them. It ripping us apart bc he is so over dramatic and i stick to what i believe is right.

Trav came over for a little today and it was differnt.
We were quiet. And there was tension.
Idk he went on this rant last night about how sick he was of me and all this stuff and listed all the reasons why, and none of them were true. Thats when i told him to just leave if he wasnt happy. I dont have the effort to fight anymore. I dont know whats going to happen now. But he cant force me to go to a church when im attacked by everyone everywhere i go. He cant expect me to endure any more judgment. Ive endured enough, given enough, and changed enough for him. Give me a break.

He keeps saying he wishes we never had the fight. I said im not. It needed to happen. I think fights have to happen to progress to the better. Jake and church would have been eating us up if we never had this horrible fight about it. idk.

Honor always calls it marshmellow when travis trys to pitty himself and gives guilt trips and all this stuff to make me feel bad for him. I HATE IT BC OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP has turned to marshmellow lately. I dont know what to do because when i try to talk to him about it, he freaks out. Like always.

Anyways. IDK. Honor, Kendrick and my brother are going to kick it today at my house and make red velvet cake today. Im really excited about it. Ive been wanting to do something productive for awhile now. I cleaned my room today. Yayy. I need to go get the zune out of my car to add the rest of the PINK cd on it, because it is amazing. I played alot of guitar today. My fingers hurt really bad. I dont knoowwww.
Ima put rainbow sprinkles on it and errthang! Red velvet cake will always be at my house. And ice cream sunday makings.


k bye.

January 19 2011


and this is how it goes.

Things have taken a sharp hard turn.
Trav's completely fallin from his family..buts its completely their fault. I cant wait to get him out of there.

The perfect litte church i was apart of.
I finally belonged somewhere, i fit like a puzzle peice.
Well its all over now.
As soon as im moved out, im done with it and its inhabitance.
I cant be part of anything broken anymore.
I spent to much of my life broken, sad, and not accepted.

I will not be where im not accepted.
I know there not a thing as a perfect church, but to me there is. Its a place where no one judges you and comes for God. I know its out there.

When i graduate EVERYTHING will change, my life will be flipped upside down. In the best way possible.
I will move out with Honor Stewart, and someother things in the making that im not at liberty to discuss just yet.

Did you know that all travis' mom does is tell me how much she loves me to my face. But tells travis all the time that i will cheat on him and he is just my 'side boy' that i through around? Yeah. She does. Coming from someone who thinks they shine like Jesus.
Im shocked. Thats why he is so insecure. Because she fill shis head with horrible things. Id love to just. Not say what i want to say.

Id like nothing more then to never see her again after that. All she talks about is how shes not fake. How could she do that to me?

IM SORRY your pushing your son away, its not my fault you did it, and its not my fault that way he is now. Which is smart enough to stop getting treated like hes 14. UGHHHH I HAVE SO MUCH I WANT TO SAY TO YOU but i cant.

Moving out will be unbealiveable.
I love my family but im ready to grow up.

I cant wait to get my real job.


I just cant wait. 3 months cant come fast enough.
Thank you God <3

December 26 2010

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Dont play laceys WOW.

Pop up blocker.

Stop it.
Stop stop stop!
It's the third time youve attempted to get in some kind of contact with me weather it be pointless or obnoxious.
I left you where you left me, and i don't want anything to do with anything that remotly pertains to you in any such manor. I hate you. I can only say that about one person, and youve taken gold. Grand prize. Mount it on your wall. OH WAIT you don't have one. Because you're pretty much homeless.
Id like to say i pitty you for all the downward spiriling you've been making progress in, but that'd be a lie.
Kelly Clarkson once said "I would never wish bad things, but i don't wish you well."

WELL i think thats impossible. If someone absolutly ruins your life and everything in it, and tears your heart to shreads like pencil shavings, over and over and over until the 'r' fell off of the word then, yeah. I DONT wish you well, and that happens to be a bad thing. Stop randomly poping up in my life.

I need to purchase some sort of pop up YOU blocker in my life. Id pay big money. Like, im talking Id pay big money to see Paris Hilton climb up a mountain kind of money. Ew, freak.

You were a better person when you were with me. Before, you were a druggie man whore, and now you are full on pathetic. I do say im proud of that. You were horrible with me, but its still a huge step better then the shit you are now.

I love where i am now.
I love where YOU are now as well.
Not to be bitchy, but i thik i deserve the rights to a little of that.

I am so happy, unlike ive never been.



December 03 2010


my heart

beats for love.
this isnt right and what your doing to me isnt love.
i dont care what your reasons are.

you dont trust me.
you can say you do a million times but you dont.
i love you with every fiber of my beings, but you put me in the spotlight and every move i make, is reflecting on your actions.
when your stressed and do bad things its my fault.
because you dont trust me.

dont make me chose.
you wont like what i decide.



even if it breaks my heart.
i know youll still make me do it.

November 28 2010


Only Hope - Mandy Moore #np

"I just dont want you being with someone who doesnt accept you for who you are."

If one more person says that.
It really upsets me.

"I just dont want him making into someone your not"
My reply: "What a better person?"

I know your hurt, and it kills me.
We dont work.
We never will.

Dont take your anger out on my boyfriend and start using him as your excuse.

That goes for you to.

November 22 2010

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this is what i get for going through everything i did. ill do it again for you. i love you.

the great divide?

First of all, theres nothing great about it. Its horrible and it hurts.
Second of all, YOU initiated it. A long time ago when you moved away. I blame it al on you. I dont care how that sounds, because when it comes down to it its you.
Everything has taken a complete circle, and some.
Everything and everyone is going differnt directions.

But im not going to be here yelling man i wish we'd all get along and why cant we all be friends because its never been that way and it will NEVER be that way. The moments we did were temporary. Id rather it be this way honestly. You can stay that fuck on the otherside of the world, like you do anyways and not talk to me, like you did for that entire year when you broke my heart more then anyboy ever will and could, over your oppinions on my posessions.
YOU, can stay stagnet. I dont know how the fuck you spell that but i KNOW you and your bitch of a brother would be right here to correct me because you desperately seek any kind of attention. You will never get it from me. You tantrums, your lazyness, your a HORRIBLE friend and i could care less about you anymore.
I waster A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR trying to hook you up with the boy i had a crush on, when he CLEARLY wanted nothing to do with you. Ill never get over that. Looks like your be masterbating to pokemon porn for the rest of your dumb air head life. Talking about your a christian but believe in reincarnation? wtf. idiot.
YOU can take her side. You can marry her and everything would be just a box of sunshine for you because you dont care about me anymore. You stopped caring about me a long time ago. You took her side in making me dead to you for that year. You always do that. You never talk to me anymore, even when your around. We literally went to being best friends that talked on the phone for hours about everything, to absolute nothing. You used to help me so much with advice. But if your going to put yourself in this , then fuck you to. I obviously never meant anything to you.
YOU were very important to me. I did fight to keep what we had alive. You never accepted me for who i was. I was never good enough for you. You strung me along for weeks. Months even. I was obsessed with the idea that when we get back together it will be so much better. I meant it. You didnt. I was a story you told to make yourself look good. I was falling in love with not you, but what we could have had.  I had so much faith in us. You disgust me. I spit on what you did to me and how you led me on to only want me when i relaized its time to move on. I will be around you all the time for years to come. But i know youll never come up to me and try to talk about it. Because you act like nothing has happend. Like we never even happend. Like you dont hurt. Because the less you say, the more you scarem to be heard.

And as for you. You dont even get it in caps because you dont deserve it. I dont know what to say..what to do..or even what to think anymore when it comes to you. All i can feel is agonizing pain in the general area of my heart when i think about you. You joked your way out of everything, Jordan. I said it. Your name. Because its about all i can do. Its impossible to say even one more word to you because ive said it all. Everything possible. I faught hard. I hurt hard. I laughed hard. I prayed hard. I yelled hard. I just cant anymore.
You can text me everyday for the rest of your life.

But ill will just change my number. Its bringing tears to my eyes. Not alot but enough. Youll be the reason i drink. The reason i do things to get you out of my head. Thats the easy part. But youll always be in  my heart. I HATE THAT because when was i ever in yours? Okay your response will be right when you left me for Tony. Yeah well you never forgave me. You waited. And waited. And tourtured me with it. I ignored it.
We could have been invincible. We could have been together for a long time now. AND YOU FUCKING ADMITTED IT and it kills me, youll admitt to everything but what you need to, to fix everything. You will write it down. Or sing it in a song. But you would neever even try to say it.
I almost hate you.
But your stupidity brought me to someone worth everything you put me through.
I didnt have to wait A MINUTE for. He gave me his heart right off the back because despite what hes been through he believes in love enough to move on and keep moving forawrd. Which is so begged you to do. But you couldnt do it. Not for me.

I hope your happy stuck with her. You know you dont like her. Date her. I hope it kills you that im happy and your with someone just because shes there. Im happy your lonely. You deserve it. You had me! And until you can admit to it all, your dead to me.

November 17 2010

Play fullscreen

November 16 2010


Needa break

from like EVERYONE.
Except Megan because i never ever see her
and Jake i guess can be around because i feel bad that just beacuse im not dating him no on cares to talk to him.


but ohwell..

Finna go to best friends to watch the birdcage.
Her boyfriend got $30 takin away from my check for not returning a game. Im not streeting anymore. Ugh. Like the third time in a row, ima get fired.

I love hawaiian bread.
And b&m's mann. UGH i feel so much better now.
At least its not weed, which is what i really wanted. But didnt because my best friend would be upset with me.

MYYYY birthday is in a week and the plans have to be chopped and divided like an onion and it pisses me off.

But whatever. I have four people that want to be with me that have to be apart. FUCK MY LIFE GUYS.

la la la al al a i miss guitarrrrr so much. Its kickin my butt not having it. Jake still wants to fix it. But just hasnt got to it.

Speaking of i need to go get him, decues.

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November 11 2010

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He saved me from the duck attack.
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Reposted byaj003428 aj003428
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